‘Tis the season for the birthing of baby relationships for friends. There have been multiple new connections for many lately. In recent conversations, I’ve been excited to hear of some promising new seeds of potential lasting love sprouting up. It has me thinking a lot about initial and lasting attraction.
My husband and I met in person after emailing for a month (I was traipsing about Europe with a friend) and talking over the phone for a month. He lived in Maui, I lived in California. There was the exchange of pictures through social media, he asked to follow my photo blog while I was traveling and I stalked his facebook and google searched him, but nothing in person; not even skype or facetime. What I do know is that we had initial chemistry even through email and then on the phone. He bought a plane ticket to come meet me after one phone conversation. How is this possible?
Yes, the pictures definitely helped. But there’s lots of people out there that we would both find attractive. What was the difference? We met online and he hadn’t seen anyone else on the site that he was interested in pursuing other than me even though he saw plenty of cute girls. Why?
Divine guidance? I believe to some degree, yes. But there is more. I looked back on our initial email communication and my profile to see why it was different and what created initial chemistry and attraction.
Our first meeting in person did feel like the grand finale at the fireworks display on the 4th of July. It was instant and we have been together from that moment on. The longer I’m married, the more I realize that although initial attraction is important, attraction can be created and increased. Plus it just gets better because trust grows. It’s a truly beautiful thing.
I’ve compiled a list from scientific research, my own experience and the experience of those I know regarding initial attraction and chemistry that lasts. I believe that yes, initial attraction is important. But we meet people all the time who didn’t have that initial crazy firework explosion but end up happily married with plenty of sparks flying. How important is initial attraction? I believe it is important, but lasting attraction is much more important.
How can you be a person that sparks attraction and chemistry with a person of interest and then continues to allow it to grow? All of the list below apply to committed, marriage relationships as well, through all of time. These can be applied to official dates or run-ins with a person of interest. Who knows, you may have opportunities this week.
1. Take care of yourself.
Yes, coming dressed to impress for a first date is important. Putting your best foot forward shows that you value that person’s time and actually put some thought into being around them. Everyone is attracted to different traits physically, but I’ve met people lately who are connecting with chemistry to potentials that are not neccessarily their normal types physically. Plus I know A LOT of people that married someone that didn’t fit their list of physical traits but won their heart and still have it. Taking care of yourself is more than just appearance, though. It involves care of heart, mind, body and spirit. Make sure each of those areas are getting attention; that’ll be invaluable in a marriage relationship. Plus it’s pretty easy to tell if someone isn’t caring for an area in their life, it shows. You can only give out of what you have. Make sure your photos online show care in appearance and hygiene. It’s important.
2. Have and develop passions in life.
You can be introverted and extremely quiet and still be very attractive to the opposite sex. Develop passions and be able to communicate those to others. A first date that makes a heart connection through each person’s passions is fun and interesting. It allows conversation to flow because you’ve got a lot inside of you to release. Make sure to ask your date about their passions. The man should lead the conversation in questions whether it’s online or in person. There’s nothing worse than someone who talks the whole time and doesn’t want to know anything about the other. Unattractive and boring for one party. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard this complaint from women. Either he didn’t email any questions or he talked the whole date. This works the other way as well for the women, keep the conversation balanced and engaging. P.S. This will help develop friendship as well, not just romantic connection. For your online profile, make sure that you expand a little on what you’re passionate about. This will draw in good matches.
3. Ask questions that create connections in emotions.
This creates chemistry. Period. Talking about the weather and how busy each person is can be disengaging and stale. Ask questions about how a person feels. Yes, the first date will explore hobbies and surface questions. That’s a given. But, take a few moments to dig a little deeper. Ask them why they love snowboarding by asking how it makes them feel. I think you’ll be surprised by what this can create. Ask questions about how they feel about their relationship with God. My husband was the most excellent question asker during email and phone before we met; it was vital to keeping me engaged. I then, in turn, asked him questions. This too, does wonders in all relationships to build and grow them.
4. Keep it fun.
This is why bowling is the number 1 first date in America. It’s fun and takes the pressure off. Keep the fun alive in each date while connecting emotionally. Talk about creating chemistry! Incredibly important as a relationship develops over time are fun, laughter and yes, some very goofy behavior is imperative. If connecting online or long distance It’s ok and highly recommended to crack jokes through email, phone, text, etc; this creates chemistry over the airwaves.
5. Stay focused on your date.
The worst idea ever is to take your phone out during your date. What a turnoff. Unless it’s an emergency, the phone call or text can wait. My husband and I work hard at this as a married couple. It’s very important that date night and evenings at home are not consumed by others, our phones or our computers. Also, if there are other people that you know around during your date; keep your focus on your date. Nothing can be more discouraging or confusing if your date or you are focused more on others of the opposite gender or their friends. Keep online communication moving; whether its phone, text, email, skype, facetime and all the other wonderful uses of communication over technology.
6. Be open and inviting.
This creates attraction. Walls block others out. Obviously we guard our hearts to a degree based on the trust built, but in order for love to grow we must be vulnerable. As adults, the more in touch we are with how we feel, the better we can connect with others. Women are like flowers, opening up with time. Each healthy person should gage what they feel comfortable sharing before going into the date. Don’t wear everything on your sleeve, but allow the other person to get a look at your heart. Your heart is a beautiful thing and what allows us to love and feel.
There are more, but I’ll leave you with this list to ponder and practice on your next interactions with someone of the opposite gender. Ultimately, you’ll choose a partner based on so much more than chemistry alone, but I believe attraction is important and part of the journey.
You’re the leading lady or man in your love story partnered with a God who is backing your desire for marriage and working to connect you with an incredible spouse!
Wendee Mannon, OnDaySix CEO